Sora and pals go on a magical adventure
by Meatloaf232
Summary: A sugar-high fanfiction writer with way to much time on his hands subjects the intellectual properties of Square Enix and Disney to one of the most horrifying, retarded plots ,if you can even call it that, imaginable.
1. Teh Evil Beginz

It took me a lot longer than I expected to turn out this piece of crap. It probably has something to do with the fact that I got Fallout 3. That game is freaking awesome. Oh well, DISCLAMERAGE TIME!

DISCLAMERAGE:I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Square Enix, or any sort of food product etc. that may be mentioned in this story.

Sora and pals' magic adventure

Chapter 1:Teh evil beginz

Seven evil people were sitting around an evil table in a dark, evil room discussing their evil plans. They wore evil black suits and concealed their evil faces with evil masks in case that some not-evil person might be spying on them. (Did I mention that they were evil? These are the bad guys in case you haven't yet noticed.) "Can we begin discussing evil plan number 5,284,648,248,627,348-J yet?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," their evil boss said from the end of the long table, "we must wait for Kohjath to return from his evil mission." They waited for almost twenty long, evil (Am I beginning to annoy you with this word yet?) minutes. At last, the evil door opened revealing another evil person dressed in the same evil outfit as the others.

"Ah, Kohjath, how was your mission?" the boss asked evilly.

"Terrible," Kohjath answered, "it was the day after freaking Thanksgiving, I was almost strangled by a guy trying to get the last Chia Pet, there were little screaming kids everywhere, I had to wait in line for an hour, they were out of Frosted Flakes, some spiky haired kid with a giant key insisted on beating me to death ,and the narrator wouldn't stop using "evil" as and adjective for everything."

The boss pondered his words for a moment, "But did you obtain the objective?"

"Yes, I did," Kohjath said as he showed a Wal-Mart sack to his fellow bad guys, "the Doritos are right here."

"YOU FOOL!!!" The boss exclaimed upon seeing the shopping bag, "You went to the Wal-Mart That Never Was!?!?! I told you to go to the grocery store in Wonderland!!!"

"Why does it matter?" Kohjath asked as he opened the bag of Doritos he purchased. Immediately an evil demonic hand reached out of the bag and dragged him into the realm of nothingness.

"Well that was pointless and completely irrelevant to the pathetic excuse for a plot that this story has." One of the evil persons said.

"Anyway," The boss continued, somewhat disappointed that they had no Doritos, "I suppose we should begin discussing the plan. Are there any questions before we get started?" Immediately everyone's hand shot up. The boss sighed and pointed to his right hand man, Ximillaw.

"What exactly _is_ plan number 5,284,648,248,627,348-J?" He asked. Upon giving his question, everyone lowered their hands.

"Weren't any of you paying attention?!?!" the bossed asked angrily, "Plan number 5,284,648,248,627,348-J is our plan to influence the heartless to obey our orders so that we may use them to exploit various worlds in order to gain obscenely large amounts of munny."

Ximillaw raised his hand again. "What's a heartless?"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"WHAT THE F### DO YOU MEAN THAT YOUR OUT OF G## DAMN COOKIES!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Sora, just calm down!" Kairi said as she desperately tried to keep her enraged friend from smashing the store owner's head in with his Keyblade.

"Calm down! CALM DOWN!!! THEY ARE OUT OF MOTHER F###### COOKIES AND YOU WANT ME TO CALM THE F### DOWN!!!!!!!"

Riku rolled his eyes and proceeded to leave the store. "Just wait a minute Kairi, he'll get distracted by something else and completely forget about it."

"It's obvious what happened here," Sora said, "The forces of evil have stolen all of the cookies in order to gain power and control of the heartless so that they can exploit various worlds in order to gain obscenely large amounts of munny!"

"Sora, I've heard you say a lot of stupid things," Kiari began, "but that is the single most retarded statement that you have ever made since we became friends."

"Come on guys! We have to go on an epic 60-hour JRPG quest in order to save all of the cookies in the universe!" Sora said as he ran out of the store.

"We might as well follow him and make sure he doesn't hurt himself." Riku said to Kairi.

Will Sora ever find out what happened to all the cookies? Will the next chapter actually be half-way decent? Will the author actually get around to posting the next chapter? Probably not!

No, seriously, I'll probably have the next chapter up in a few days, not that you care.


	2. The second chapter

OMG 2 REVIEWS ALREADY. And since I already have 2 loyal readers, I decided to go ahead and update. But don't expect anymore 24-hour updates. Chapter 3 will be up by Friday(maybe) and Chapter 4 may take a while.

Chapter 2: The second chapter

Riku and Kairi arrived in Sora's back yard to find a fully functioning gummi ship ready for take-off. "Uh…Sora, where did you get this thing?" Riku asked.

Sora walked up to Riku and looked deep into his eyes. "Listen Riku," he began, "you shouldn't ask questions, because when you ask questions, somebody has to answer them, and sometimes, that somebody might not want to answer those particular questions, and when they don't want to answer those questions, bad things happen, got it?"

"Uh…ok…" Riku responded nervously.

"Awesome!" Sora said. He then hurled Riku and Kairi into the ship and took off.

"Sora, where the hell are we going?" Kairi asked.

"To Radiant Garden, we'll need help to find out what happened to the cookies." Sora answered.

"Listen Sora," Riku said, "nobody stole all the cookies, the store just ran out. That's all."

"Oh Riku, your just not analyzing the situation properly." Sora said, "That particular store receives a shipment every 17 days. I purchase 37% of all the cookies that come into that store. If you adjust for average cookie consumption among Destiny Islands residents and add in the altered conditions created by the Greenhouse effect, also adding or subtracting 4% due to solar winds and adjusting for the recent increase of suicide rates in Wonderland, it's obvious that the store should have had either 3 or 8 packages of Oreos on that particular day depending on whether or not Wakka has been writing Wedding Peach fanfictions again. And don't you think it's strange that they were out of Chips Ahoy and Nutter Butters on the same Tuesday? It just doesn't add up."

The rest of the trip to Radiant Garden was silent.

###

(A/N: I'm assuming that Yuffie never met Riku. I don't recall much from the events at Hollow Bastion in the first game, but I'm pretty sure they've never seen each other.

"OMGSORAIMISSEDUSOMUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Upon exiting the ship, the trio was instantly confronted by everyone's favorite hyperactive ninja. Yuffie jumped out of nowhere in a fit of joy, then suddenly grabbed Riku and began crying hysterically into his shoulder.

"It's terrible Sora, THEY TOOK ALL OF THE COOKIES!!!" she screamed.

"HA, I TOLD YOU!!!" Sora said triumphantly.

Riku was trying his best to comfort the ninja who was still clinging to him and crying. "Uh…It's ok…we'll do something…" He said.

"Wait a minute," Yuffie jumped back and pointed an accusing finger at Riku, "your not Sora!"

"Uh…no, my name's Riku"

"Oh! Hi Riku!" Yuffie rushed forward and grabbed him again, "You're pretty hot!"

"Uh…thanks." Riku said, not sure whether to feel complimented or frightened.

"Does anyone have any idea what happened to all of the cookies?" Sora asked.

"Yeah! We're all working on it over at Cid's place, come on!" Yuffie said, and with that she sped off down the street.

###

Sora, Riku, and Kairi entered Cid's house to find the rest of the restoration committee trying to find out what happened to the missing cookies. The place wasn't hard to find considering that you could hear the Lynyrd Skynyrd music from about four miles away. (A/N: I am assuming that you, my dear readers, are familiar with the band Lynyrd Skynyrd. If not, then you need to hit Youtube immediately after reading this chapter.)

"Well it's about G## damn time ya'll showed up!" Cid said in the kindest way he could manage.

"Hey Sora," Leon greeted, "we're glad you're here. I guess you already know what the problem is?"

"Yeah, all of the cookies have mysteriously disappeared," Sora said, "and to think these guys didn't believe me." Sora pointed his thumb over his shoulder at Riku and Kairi, as if this kind of thing happened every day.

"Well, we had or doubts at first," Aerith said, "but every world we have contact with reports that all of their cookies have disappeared."

"And to top it of we ain't got no evidence or nothin'," Cid said as he looked through various security recordings on his computer, "I ain't seen anything suspicious on the cameras, we... hey hold on one second," Cid walked over to an open window, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN YARD YA LIL' SON OF A BITCH ... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOIN', GET THE HELL OUT OF MY YARD … YEAH WELL GO ON, GIT YOUR DADDY YA LIL' BASTARD, I'LL KICK HIS ASS TOO, LEMME' GIT MY GUN, I'LL PUT A STOP TO YA … GO ON, GIT YOUR DADDY AND YOUR UNCLE, THEY DON'T WANT NONE OF US, YOU GET THE F### OUT OF MY YARD YOU LIL' PIECE OF S###!!!!!!!"

Cid walked back to his computer muttering various swear words under his breath. An awkward silence loomed over the room for a moment.

"Anyway…" Leon began, "we think that we should assemble a team to go on an epic 60 hour JRPG quest to stop the ones responsible. We've already sent out a distress signal, hopefully some decent warriors will get it and come to assist us."

"That's a great idea!" Sora said.

"And since you're the chosen wielder of the Keyblade," Yuffie said, "we've decided to put the team under your command!" At that moment, Riku and Kairi both knew that this wasn't going to end well.

A/N TIME!!!

First of all, I would like to thank The Solar Being and YukaiChick for their kind reviews. U gize r teh WS0MZORZ!!!!( that is to say 'you guys are awesome') Next...well thats all really.


	3. General Incompetence

We now return to_ All My Keyblades_

Riku: Sora, I'm pregnant, and I think Kairi's the father...

Sora: 0.o

No, wait. That's the wrong story...hold on...here it is!

Chapter 3: General Incompetence

The next day, several great fighters and adventurers from around the universe had assembled in front of Hollow Bastion. Sora was glad to see a few familiar faces.

"Goofy! Your majesty!" He said happily when he saw the two furies.

"Anthropomorphic bastards." The author thought to himself.

"Hey there Sora!" King Mickey greeted.

"We're glad we could come and help. 'hyuk!" said Goofy.

"Where's Donald at?" Sora asked.

"Daisy locked him in the basement until he agrees to propose to her." Mickey said.

"Aw, how sweet." Sora said. He walked over to Riku and Kairi, and was surprised to see that Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka were with them.

"Hey Sora, What's happenin' mon?" Wakka asked.

"Not much, how's the Wedding Peach fanfiction coming?"

"If you value your existence as fictional characters you will end this conversation immediately." The author threatened.

"You're already threatening our existence by breaking the forth wall so much!" Sora said, "won't that cause some sort of space-time rift to suck us into oblivion.?! Besides, we belong to Square Enix, not you!"

"Yes, but by simply putting a disclaimer at the beginning of the story, I can inflict all kinds of unspeakable tortures upon your spiky haired ass."

Sora decided it would be best to move the "plot" along, so he turned around and noticed that Cid was there. "Cid! I'm glad you came to help us out!"

However, Cid looked a bit confused. "Wha…ya'll mean this aint' the line for the Skynrd concert?"

"Uh…no."

"Damnit all, where the hell is that thing?" Cid said to himself as he walked away.

Sora just sort of shrugged and went to introduce himself to someone he didn't recognize. "Hi, my names Sor…"

"My name is Miguel Von Pierre Qui Pon XXVII," the man interrupted. He was a tall man, and he wore his hair in a long pony tail and he had a freakishly curly moustache. He also wore a monocle over his left eye, a pair of spandex pants, and an 'I love Edward Cullen' t-shirt. "I am a warrior who has traveled from the great mountains of the east. My father trained me and taught me to wield a blade, but when my mother was killed by a flaming yak that fell from the sky, he left me to seek revenge, and ended up becoming a campaign manager for Al Gore. He was never seen again. Soon after I journeyed west to find my brother, for he was the only person who knew the location of my father's will…"

"Uh…I never asked for your life story." Sora said, but Miguel continued regardless.

"I finally found my brother, but Disney had sacrificed his soul to appease the Jonas Brothers' insatiable bloodlust. In desperation I searched for my long lost cousin Bartholomew, but he turned out to be a secret vice president of Microsoft co., so I had to vanquish him to rid the world of his evil. Disgusted with myself, I retreated to the unending sands of the desert to live a life disconnected from the rest of humanity, and swore never to wield my sword again."

That seemed to be the end of Miguel's story. "So…why are you here now?" Sora asked.

"I got bored." Miguel answered.

"…Ok then." Sora said with an unsure look on his face. He turned to meet the next warrior, only to find that he was standing right there.

"HI SORA!!!!!!"

"What the…DEMYX?!?!?!?!"

"What?" Demyx said, "I like cookies to!"

"Yeah, but I thought you were dead!"

"Oh I didn't die, none of us did! We just went to Temporary Nobody Hell. They make you play bingo with a bunch of old people for about three months, then they let you go."

"Wait, does that mean that all of Organization XIII is back?!"

"Oh don't worry about them, they all died in a freak bingo accident—don't ask--, well except for Axel and Larxene of course, they ran off and joined the Korean mafia. Also Marluxia made it out, he's a cheep male prostitute in Detroit now. And Xigbar survived and became a used car salesman, Zexion opened a chain of fast food restaurants, Xaldin is the mascot for a new sideburn trimmer, Saix became an accountant, Vexen is a janitor at a high school in Northern Arkansas, Luxord joined the French Air Force, but he's in prison now because of his gambling debts, and Xemnas became whole again since you defeated his heartless, and he wants to kill you."

"But that's everyone except for Lexaeus!"

Demyx thought about this for a moment "Oh yeah! Lexaeus was the only one who died in that. Oh well, no one cared about him."

"Whatever." Sora said as he walked away, not bothering to meet the rest of the people who had gathered. He was having one of his 'not retarded' moments, so he decided to make the best of it.

It was time to mobilize.

Wow, I completely shatered my old review record. 5 reviews!!! You have no idea how awsome this miniscule number is to me. So pleeeeeeeaaassse leave a review. It would make me happy. And everyone knows that my happiness is the most important thing in the world.


	4. CHAPTER TITLE MISSING

At the time that I am posting this, I only have approximately 2% of Chapter 5 written. I would like to apologize in advance if the next update takes longer than you would hope, but seriously, do you think I freakin care? (To answer that question: yes, actually.)

* * *

Chapter 4: CHAPTER TITLE MISSING

The next day, the team boarded the large gummi ship that Cid had built for the mission. Tifa was on the radio explaining everything to Riku, Sora, and Mickey, who would be the pilots of the ship.

"It's basically the same as any other gummi ship," She began, "there's a few extra buttons for engine controls and a separate station for the weapons. Also, Cid insisted that the thing needed and automatic beef jerky dispenser. That's the yellow button to the left of the oil gauges."

"Awesome…" almost everyone said unison.

"One last thing," Tifa said, "he also installed a music player, but he didn't load it with anything except Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Allman Brothers. I think the author also wrote in a few songs from some sort of Swedish metal band."

"Actually, they're from Norway." The author said.

Tifa rolled her eyes and wondered why she was written into this fanfic even though the author doesn't care about her as a character except when he needs a plot device and all the other characters have been used. "Everything should be green for liftoff; you have clearance, fire the engines when ready."

Mickey manned the weapons station and Riku checked the oil and fuel temperatures. Sora activated the anti-grav boosters and the ship began climbing high into the atmosphere. When they finally broke free of Radiant Garden's gravitational pull, Sora switched on the guidance computer, and was greeted with the most horrifying thing that mankind has ever witnessed.

GUIDANCE COMPUTER: Windows has encountered a serious error. It may be possible to continue normally if you press the CTRL key now, but that will actually cause the computer to lock up and spit acid that will melt your face off. Your only real solution is to buy a new computer. If you are currently in deep space and this computer was the only way to know where the hell you are, you can send an error report to Microsoft which they will promptly ignore and chuckle as the remainder of your munny is transferred to them.

"THIS THING RUNS ON WINDOWS!?!?!?!?"

"We're fucked." Said Barret, who was there although the author forgot to mention him in the last chapter. (I think I also forgot to mention that Yuffie was with them. This is what happens when incompetent people write fanfiction.)

Well, anyways…after a lengthy process that involved a spider monkey, 3 Nvidia GeForce 9800 graphics cards, a rubber band, a paperclip, some cherry Pop-Tarts, and the author's death metal mix CD, Cid finally managed to access the computer from the ground and reboot it with Linux. Sora found their course and flew the ship to Traverse Town. When the cookies there began disappearing, reports of suspicious looking people had been floating around, so it was the best place to start the investigation.

When they landed, Sora looked over his team and devised a strategy. "Alright," he began, "we should divide up into three groups. I'll lead Red Team, Riku will lead Blue Team, and Mickey will lead Gold Team. Kairi, Wakka, and Tidus will come with me. Demyx, Goofy, and Selphie will go with Mickey. And Barret, Yuffie, and Miguel will go with Riku. Are there any questions?"

"Gold Team rules!" Demyx shouted.

"The author stole that joke from Spongebob Squarepants…" Yuffie said.

"We'll search the 1st district, Gold team will search the 2nd district, and Blue team will take 3rd district. Everyone, move out!"

It was at this point that Sora's "not retarded" moment came to an end.

And little did they all know... they were being watched.

* * *

Well, there you go. A chapter that's shorter than usual and a pathetic excuse for a cliffhanger. I certainly hope you're happy. (No, really, I do.)

And Pleeeeaaasse leave a review. I'm not going to hold the next chapter hostage, but it would be nice to have a bit of motivation to get it done.


	5. Traverse Town Part 1

Well, great news for you my loyal readers! We had a snow day so I have lots and lots and lots of time to write! It was actually less of a snow day and more of a SIX FUCKING INCHES OF ICE ON THE ROAD day. The thing is, we have semester finals this week (studying? What does that mean?), so this is the ONE TIME I would rather go to school and get this crap over with and GUESS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! THIS IS THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING ARKANSAS! WE NEVER GET THIS KIND OF WEATHER UNTILL JANUARY! IN FACT, IT USSUALY SKIPS US ALL TOGETHER. I AM PISSED OFF!

I would like to apologize for that little outburst. The reason I inserted this AN is because I have created a gimmick to get more reviews. It's a **Reader Challenge! **If you can find the Star Wars reference in this chapter, I will send you and invisible E-cookie! (Wwtwo, you are not eligible, srry.)

Chapter 5: Traverse Town--Part 1

or...

The Chapter Where I Kill off the Characters that I don't Care About

**Level 1: 1****st**** district**

**Ready…Go!**

Kairi sighed because the author's futile attempt at sounding like that announcer guy from Super Smash Bros. was getting annoying. Also, Sora seemed to be slowly developing some kind of alien super-mental disorder. Unfortunately, it appeared to be a bit contagious.

"Wait," Sora said, "do you guys smell that…"

Tidus took a sniff of the air. "Yeah, I smell something weird." All Kairi could smell was the stench of a hobo who was sitting nearby on a bench and appeared to be hallucinating that he was locked in a high stakes game of go-fish with Jennifer Aniston and a badger.

"That, is the smell of the North Asian European Vakazohga Flower." Sora said, " It only grows in remote areas of Australia and between the third and fourth levels of Hell. It is said that if one were to take its petals and eat them with the meat of a blessed ewok, then they would receive three years of blessings. But afterwards, if they could not sacrifice the blood of thirteen virgins in time, then their soul would be taken by Gismarc, the god of all that is arranged alphabetically. But if they could appease the gods, then they would be guided to an eternal paradise filled with sugary snacks, extremely alcoholic beverages, and hot anime chicks."

"Dat's pretty cool bro'" Wakka said, "but how does that help our mission?"

"It's simple," Tidus said, "if we can just find a can of Fanta, then we can summon a magic Spanish lynx that will guide us to victory!"

"Exactly!" Sora exclaimed.

"For the love of God, please tell me that I die in this chapter."

"Sorry Kairi," said the author, "you still have a role to play in the 'plot'."

"Well DAMMIT ALL TO HELL THEN!" Kairi screamed furiously.

"Don't blame me," the author said, "blame my ADHD, it's the reason you're having to suffer through this bullshit."

_"That certainly explains a lot." _Is probably what the author's friend, Wwtwo, is thinking right about now.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, an evil looking person, wearing an evil suit, and concealing his face with an evil mask (I would once again like to clarify the fact that this is a bad guy) appeared in front of them. He laughed evilly and then said "Fools! You dare think that you can defeat us! We are invincible!" The evil man snapped his evil fingers and summoned dozens of heartless which surrounded them.

"I'll have to resort to using my deadliest weapon…" Sora said, and instead of pulling out his Keyblade, he leaped headfirst at the heartless. Fortunately, he uses so much hair gel that his hair could cut diamonds. He easily tore through many of the heartless. Wakka threw his blitzball at them, but only succeeded in hitting Tidus in the head, thus snapping his neck and eliminating him from the 'plot'.

"Tidus! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Wakka ran to his friend's side. He was moments away from death.

"Wakka…"

"It's OK mon', everything's gonna be OK!"

"Wakka, take a look at the freaking game sometime. Yuna is six inches tall. If Tetsuya Nomura hates me this much, then I doubt living with the author for another five or six chapters would be much better." And with that, Tidus breathed his final breath.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…" While Wakka was screaming dramatically, Sora somehow managed to mistake his freakish hairdo for a delicious brownie (that probably had weed in it). This, of course, resulted in Wakka's death.

By this time, the evil guy disappeared, and the horrible things that the remaining heartless witnessed had enabled them to comprehend fear, so they ran away screaming, hoping that the author would spare them their meaningless existence.

But unfortunately, my dear readers, your author is not quite that forgiving.

This will probably be demonstrated further in the next two chapters.

* * *

And the next chapter is basically done, so I may post it tomorrow. Pleeeeeeeeaaassse leave a review. I check the hit counter in my status page, so I know you people are reading this thing…


	6. Traverse Town Part 2

At last, I have returned. I'm guessing that some of you will want to see the results of the **READER CHALENGE**. The only people that even attempted the thing were **The Solar Being **and **YukaiChick**, who are the only two people I can rely on these days. Who would of thought that my biggest supporters would be a Digimon fangirl and a yaoi fangirl (not that I have anything against Digimon or yaoi). That totaly defeats the purpose of it beacause they would have reviewed anyway. But I realized about five minutes ago that I don't care about the **READER CHALLENGE**, so you both get free invisible e-cookies for being awsome.

Chapter 6: Traverse Town--Part 2

or...

The Pokemon/Twilight crossover!

The members of Gold Team were running for their already doomed lives because the author consumed some sugary snack products, and we all know that usually leads to character death.

"Who the hell sends a giant magical flaming pikachu to do his dirty work!?" Demyx yelled as he ran away.

"I do, apparently!" The author laughed.

"Oh yeah!" Demyx said, "Well take this! WATER CLONE JUITSU!!!"(I'm fairly certain I spelled that wrong.)

"I just made a Naruto joke. I now officially have no idea what I'm talking about."

But unfortunately, Demyx's water clones were made out of water, and since pikachu is an electric type, it didn't turn out so well.

"Wait a minute," Mickey said, "If pikachu is an electric type, then why the hell is that thing ON FIRE!?!?"

"Because flames make everything more awesome." Goofy pointed out.

"Right," the author said, "and if you don't want me to bring back the dinner rolls, I would suggest that you quit yapping and keep running."

Trust me, you don't want to know about the dinner rolls.

But before they could turn around and continue to run away, the author made a sudden realization and recalled the magic pikachu.

"May I inquire as to what the point of that whole chase was?" Mickey asked.

"Oh, I was just passing the time until all the plot devices were in place for the next scene." The author answered.

"What next scene?"

"Sorry, you're not allowed to know about it."

"Damnit!"

"Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough."

"Wait, where's Selphie?"

**Meanwhile, in a secluded back alley**

Selphie looked around to make sure she wasn't being followed, and slipped into the dark alley. There, she met the evil boss guy from the first chapter.

"Ah, agent 47, what is the enemy's status?" He asked evilly.

"It's not looking good for us," Selphie answered, "I think they know that we're stationed here. We need to pack up and head to Twilight Town soon, or we'll be discovered."

The evil man sighed evilly to himself. "Very well, I will inform the master that we must execute phase 4 early. Can you hold them off while we undergo the movement procedures?"

A menacing grin appeared on Selphie's face. "I can if you let me have Ol' Martha back…"

The evil man chuckled evilly. "I thought you might say that." He reached down to his side and picked up a gun case, which he tossed to Selphie. She caught it and removed a sniper rifle from it.

"I can't tell you how much I've missed this baby…" and with that, Selphie turned around and proceeded to ensure the evil plan's success.

**Back with the rest of gold team**

"Can we leave now?" Demyx asked

Not wanting the other characters to spoil his perfect plot, the author chained them to the wall in the Cullen's basement and gave Emmet 20 bucks to watch them.

"Perfect Plot? I call bullshit on that one." Goofy said.

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit longer," the author said, "there are some events that have yet to unfold, and…no! Bad Emmet! BAD VAMPIRE!!!"

"Uh…sorry." Emmet said as he pulled his teeth out of Goofy's neck.

"SON OF A BITCH THAT FREAKING BURNS!!!!" Goofy shouted.

"I come up with some interesting ideas, don't I?" one of the small voices in the author's head said.

"Shut up," the author said, "you fell asleep for a month and couldn't write this chapter until now."

"Uh, is Goofy gonna be okay?" Mickey asked.

"Oh yeah," said the author, "he'll just writhe in agonizing pain for three days, then he'll have immortality, super strength, and an irresistible urge to kill you both."

"Well isn't that just fine and dandy." Demyx said sarcastically.

"Also, I forgot to mention, Demyx gets to go early" Demyx's shackles fell open. He summoned his sitar and did a power slide strait out the door while playing Thunderstruck by AC/DC.

"When do I get to go?" Mickey asked.

"Some time after the vampirization is complete."

"You bastard"

_Next time, on All My Keyblades_

Selphie: You don't love her! You can't love her! You just can't!

Cloud: I thought you were going to get me a snow cone…

Selphie: Don't you get it!? I love you Cloud!

Cloud: …Where the hell is my snow cone bitch?

I hope everyone had a merry Christmas(Or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or whatever), and has a happy new year!


	7. Traverse Town Part 3

...what? Do you want me to apologize for not updating in 2 months? Well too bad.

But I am sorry if this chapter ends up not being worth the wait.

Chapter 7: Traverse Town part 3

The shady alleyways that made up most of Traverse Town were a sharp contrast to the brightly lit plaza in it's third district. The florescent lamps and neon signs combined with the deserted streets made for an eerie setting for the next installment in this epic saga. The four heroes stalked through the city silently and unseen. They searched endlessly for the answer that they so desperately desired, but their journey proved fruitless.

Meanwhile, whilst the author was trying to make his story sound deep and well written, a cloaked plot device emerged from the shadows and confronted Riku, Yuffie, Barret, and Miguel. He removed his hood to reveal his identity to our heroes.

"Holy Crap it's Riku's mom!!!" Yuffie shouted.

"No it's not," Riku said. "it's just Marluxia...wait a minute, MARLUXIA!?!?"

"Yes, it's me," Marluxia said, "Vexen, come on."

Another cloaked plot device stepped into the light, revealing the face of the Chilly Academic.

"HOLY CRAP, It's Hojo!!!....Oh come on, you know that was funny"

"I honestly don't get it." Vexen said.

"Don't get it?!" Marluxia exclaimed, "You're a freaking Hojo clone aside from your lack of a forehead the size of Siberia!"

"Whatever, I'm getting back to the mission," Vexen said, "We've been sent on an espionage mission to collect intelligence on the now infamous 'Cookie Incident'. It would seem that we all share a common goal."

"But I thought that the Organization was history!" Riku said.

"Well," Marly began, "We got the remaining OXIII members together to form Organization IX (Would you believe that we elected Axel as the new superior.) We're a charitable organization when we're not assisting main characters in maintaining world balance...and I hate being referred to as 'Marly'."

"The author calls me Sephy, so it's only fair." said Sephiroth out of nowhere before disappearing in an overly dramatic flurry of feathers.

"Next Thursday we're holding a catfish fry in Wonderland to raise money for a local special needs school," Vexen said, "you should come, Stevie Ray Vaughn is going be there."

"...You're good guys now?" Riku asked sceptically.

"It's amazing what you can get accomplished when your boss isn't a schizophrenic sociopath who spends his time obsessing over a giant heart shaped moon." Vexen said.

For some reason, the antagonists chose this moment to strike. A masked man darted out into the street and prepared to attack.

"Foolish Weaklings!" he said, "You actually think you can stop us?! You don't know who..."

"Ah, shit. Here comes the monologue." Miguel said.

"600 munny says it lasts more than seven minutes." Yuffie said.

"You're on!" Barret replied."

**6 minutes and 58 seconds later...**

"...and now you DIE!!!"

"DAMMIT" Yuffie screamed to no one in particular.

The evil dude prepared to summon his evil minions, but he paused for a moment before asking "Wait, does that guy have a freakin' machine gun arm?"

"Damn strait muthafuka!" Barret shouted before pumping 487 hollow point 5.56 rounds into previously mentioned bad guy's vital organs.

"Ouch." pretty much sums up how he felt after that.

"Anyway...," Marly began, "We've gotten everyone together except for Xemnas, Lexaeus, and Roxas of course. Apparently, Demyx is still around but we have no idea were the hell he is."

"He's sweeping 2nd district with Gold Team." Riku said.

"Oh..." said Vexen and Marluxia.

As if on cue, Demyx came speeding around a corner, riding on a massive tidal wave (and yes, Xigbar was surfing alongside him.) After throughly drenching the others and mercilessly drowning 4 stray cats in the process, Xigbar warped over to the other Organization members and slung his arms around their shoulders.

"Hey dudes! Check out what I found hangin' around the ice cream stand!" he said.

"Hi Vexy! Hi Marly!" Demyx said cheerfully.

"Where's everyone else?" Yuffie asked.

"Mickey and Goofy are locked up in a basement, and Selphie disappeared," Demyx answered, "Oh yeah, and Goofy's turning into a vampire."

"What kind of vampire?" Miguel asked.

"Twilight style." Demyx said.

"Dammit," Miguel said, "I always knew Stephanie Meyer would play some sort of role in my death."

"Have you had any contact with Sora's team?" Riku asked.

"Haven't heard from any of them." Demyx answered.

"Well, we should go find them," Riku said, "I have a feeling that the author's about to move the plot along..."

And so the end begins...


	8. Opperation Minty Lemur

I'm very happy to discover that after being gone for so long, I still have all my fangirls! ^_^ OMG!!! i totalee -heart- all of u!

Now shut up and read the freaking chapter.

**Chapter 8: Operation Minty Lemur**

**Traverse Town: First District, North end**

**2018 hours**

**Red Team**

"I have four...no, five tangos in sight. Charlie-Bravo one, do you have them?"

"Seriously, what the hell Sora?" Kairi asked.

Sora and Kairi had taken up a strategic position overlooking a gummi ship launch pad. They secretly watched five of the evil men who were involved in the cookie heist. They were standing around a gummi ship that appeared to be preparing for liftoff.

"Shh! Don't call me that! It's Alpha-Delta four!" Sora said.

"Whatever," Kairi said, slightly annoyed ( By "slightly", I mean "to the point of suicide contemplation"), "...look, someone else is coming."

"Roger, x-ray spotted," Sora responded, "I'll try to get an I.D....what the? It's that Weasely bastard! Dammit, I thought we killed him in Desert Storm!"

"I really need to stop playing Call of Duty 4 and get back to JRPGs." said the author.

"Shut up Sora, it's Selphie...and she's carrying a gun? She's a traitor! Oh im gee! She is, like, such a, like, bitch! Come on, we have to tell the others!"

"You're right. We'll RTB and regroup with Bravo and Gamma at twenty-thirty hours."

Kairi tried once more to cut her wrists open, just in case the author wasn't looking. But after once again failing, she continued after Sora.

**Meanwhile, on the landing pad...**

"Agent 47," said the evil boss dude, "status report?"

Selpie replied to the boss "They appear to be regrouping in the first district. I haven't seen Sora's team, but they've lost two members to what would appear to be general incompetence and mental deficiency of supernatural proportions. I'm going to take sniper position at the old accessory shop and make sure they can't sabotage the evac."

"Good work," said Evil Boss Dude, "we'll send the recovery team to get you once we leave orbit."

And with that, they parted ways.

**Near the city entrance**

The group of heroes from the previous chapter walked through the large gate that connected the third and first districts, where they were rejoined with Sora and Kairi.

"Guys! We have to tell you about something!" Kairi said.

"Yeah, we got six tangos moving in from two clicks west of here and Big Bird's ETA is still at twenty-two hundred."

"...Uh, I think he's trying to say that Selphie is a double agent and she's about to come for us with a sniper rifle." Kairi said.

"Amazingly, I'm not very surprised by that," Riku said, "then again, at this point, an eight legged, five winged badger could descend from Valhalla and start vomiting gravy all over the town, and I wouldn't be surprised."

Guess what happened next...

No, not really. The author just began his next set of wacky antics.

At that moment, a loud buzzing sound echoed through the streets, followed by a cheerful announcement from the author. "Hey! We all know what that sound means!"

"Actually, we don't." Vexen corrected.

"You know what," Sora began, "I just noticed that Vexen, Marluxia, and Xigbar are here."

"Oh yeah, they're with us." Demyx said.

"Well," the author began, "what that sound means is that it's time to spin the **Wheel of Character Death!!!**"

"Oh shit." everyone said except for Kairi, who promptly fell to her knees and began saying the Lord's Prayer as fast as she could. The author spun the wheel. It spun around and around before finally stopping approximately one molecule-length past Kairi's space.

"I. Fucking. Hate. You." said Kairi to the author.

Instead, the wheel stopped on Barret's space. About 0.6 seconds later, Selphie pulled the trigger on Ol' Martha, thus thinning the hero's ranks further.

"Dammit! We have to get out of here." Marluxia said. Suddenly, there was large explosion several blocks away.

"Uh...where's the gummi ship?" Sora asked.

"Over there, over there, and up there." Demyx said whilst pointing in various directions.

"Hey, chill dudes. We can portal everyone out of here." said Xigbar.

"Good thinking." Riku said. Xigbar quickly opened a doorway to the dark corridors, and our heroes escaped.

While they were moving through the dark realm, something occurred to Riku. "Wait, why didn't we just have Demyx portal us to Traverse Town in the first place?"

"Duh, because then the author couldn't have used that Windows joke." Yuffie answered.

"Yeah, I've planning this particular segment of fourth wall breakage the entire time, because my writing skills are just that awesome." said the author.

"Right, and my keyblade's name is Phil." Sora responded

"_Thats damn right!_" said the voice in Sora's head that apparently represents his keyblade, "_everyone knows that my name is Willis!_"

**Back in Traverse Town**

Selphie confirmed her kill and pulled back the bolt on Ol' Martha to eject the spent cartridge. She attempted to acquire a new target, but the enemy had already fled. She reached down to her belt and grabbed her radio.

"This is 47, my attack went as planed with one confirmed kill. The remaining targets retreated into the corridors of darknes."

"Good," came Evil Boss Dude's voice through the radio, "find a place to lay low. We'll pick you up in 010 hours."

The boss switched off his radio, and an evil grin appeared on his face, because he knew that he would always be one step ahead of his enemy.

Or would he?

* * *

Now leave a review or I'll club this baby seal.


	9. Preparations: Pt1

I would have had this done last week, but I ended up having to split this chapter up, (and no, I haven't started on the second part yet) and I couldn't come up with a way to end this one. But here it is. Enjoy it or else.

**Chapter 9: Preparations: Pt. 1**

"Here, this is it." Vexen said. He opened a new door, and a shining light entered the dark realm.

"Where are we?" Demyx asked.

"Twilight Town," Marluxia answered, "we managed to discover that the enemy's main operations center is here."

"We've already dispatched a second group here, so our first priority is to rejoin with them." Vexen said.

"I really, _really_ don't want to go in there." Kairi said.

"Why? It's just Twilight Town." Riku said.

"Exactly!" Kairi responded, "_**Twilight**_ Town! Do you honestly think that the author is going to pass up a coincidence like that?!"

"Wait, I don't understa..." Demyx paused for a moment as he processed Kairi's words, "...oh crap..."

Xigbar pretty much had a small mental breakdown. "N...no...no...I....I won't...I won't be trapped in a Twilight crossover! NOT AGAIN!!!!"

"Again?" Vexen asked.

"Yeah, you know how I can bend space and all that?" Xigbar began, "Well, lets just say that it's really difficult and I mess up sometime, and that can cause...'things' to happen."

The group walked through the portal and emerged in front of the train station, where they were once again confronted by the enemy. The masked man in front them raised his hand.

"Stop, I cannot allow you to proceed any further." He said. "You have been a thorn in our master's side for long enough. It here that you make your final choice: turn around and never return, or you die."

"No, it is you who will die!" Sora said. He reached into his magic JRPG bag that can somehow hold 99 copies of every item in the universe and not weigh him down, and pulled out a pink, flowery notebook. DEATH NOTE was scribbled on the front of it with a magic marker.

"What the hell Sora?" Kairi said, "That's my science notebook! I've been looking for it for weeks!"

Sora flipped the notebook open and retrieved a pencil from his pocket.

"Ha! You can't kill me with that! You can't see my face, and you don't even know my name!"

"Oh yes, I do suppose I see why you would think that..."

"But the only way you could know who I was would be if you..."

"Had the eye of a Shinigami?" A sinister grin made it's way onto Sora's face as the camera switched between many dramatic angles and all the colors faded to a bluish shade to highlight the internal conflicts within the main characters (In case you haven't noticed, I am trying very extensively to make fun of Death Note here), "I assure you, there are many things about me you do not know." Sora set his pencil onto the paper and quickly scribbled something down. "I have given you 75 seconds to live. Stand down now, and I will extend it to 40 years. Otherwise, your blood will be spilled today."

The evil man laughed. "But you would have to see my face to kill me with a death note! Just admit it, you've run out of ideas and can no longer fight!" So the evil man stood and waited so that he could prove Sora a fool. Everyone else also just stood around, because they knew that no matter how this ended, it was going to be freaking hilarious.

**A minute or so later**

"It looks like your time is up." Sora said.

At that moment, a large eight legged, five winged badger descended from the sky and ripped the evil guy into many small, chewy morsels.

Kairi let out an irritated sigh. "So my science notebook is a death note. I wonder how many other inanimate objects in my life have the potential to commit supernatural mass murder."

"Four-hundred and eighty-seven." The author quickly responded.

"Of course there would be..."

Sora then stepped forward and knelt before his fallen enemy. "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio!"

"What the...we're quoting Shakespeare now?" Vexen asked.

"Thou wouldst be correct." The author answered.

"But how did you know who he was?" Marluxia asked Sora.

"I just had this weird feeling that he was Ben Stiller," Sora said, "and it turns out that I was right."

**Meanwhile, in the Lair of Justice...**

This scene has been removed for no reason in particular.

**Later...**

The group started off towards the sandlot, because it had been chosen by the Organization as the predetermined meeting area. Our heroes arrived at their destination to find Larxene beating the living shit out Rai, whilst the other members of the disciplinary douchbag committee and Zexion observed with mild amusement.

"I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING 'YA KNOW' AT THE END OF EVERY FREAKING SENTENCE..."

"Hey Zexion, where's Axel?" Marluxia asked as he approached the Cloaked Schemer.

"I honestly don't know. We all came here to wait for you guys, and he ran off and said that he would show up later."

"Hey emo kid!" Xigbar began, "Check it out, we found Demyx!"

Zexion expressed a moment of annoyance towards Xigbar before turning to Demyx. "Demyx, it's good to see you, you're exactly who I needed talk too. I want a trade-back. I've decided that your two Charizards and Blue-Eyes White Dragon weren't worth my first edition double-holographic fossil Articuno."

"That's cool," Demyx said, "I think Lexaeus wanted one of those Charizards, and if he ever comes back from the dead, I still owe him a favor for that incident at Nibelhiem."

"I think the author just cane up with an entirely new idea for a fanfic when he wrote that line." Said Vexen.

"And I'll probably have to be in it..." Kairi said.

"Yeah, most likely." The author responded.

"I see that you've managed to locate the main protagonists." Zexion said as he looked over the rest of the group. "We've finally found the enemy's headquarters. It's located in an underground bunker near the old mansion."

"That's great!" Sora said, "Once we find Axel, we can begin our attack!"

"But I'm afraid we'll have to wait for the next chapter." said the author.

"Thank God." Kairi said.

"And..." the author began to add, "that's when the Twilight crossover starts!"

"Oh shit..."

* * *


	10. Preparations: Pt2

I get the feeling that I may have been a little late with this chapter.

Chapter: 10

It was a short time later that Axel finally came around a corner into the sandlot. "Hey guys, check this out! I mugged this fat kid in the alley over there and got 4 munny, this sweet camera, and a half full can of sprite!"

"Well, while you were frolicking about, the others showed up." Zexion said. Axel then observed the presence of Sora and company

"Dude! Demyx!"

"Axel!"

The Flurry and the Nocturne leaped in the air, high-fiveing each other before shredding a dual air guitar solo. It was then that Larxene momentarily ceased her merciless beating and noticed the new arrivals. "Demyx is back?" She quickly leaped over to the group and also high-fived the sitar player. "Dude! We can finally get the band back together!"

"Hell yeah!" Demyx and Axel both said.

"Wait, what about Lexaus?" Xigbar observed.

"Oh yeah..."Axel said, "Sora, you're our new drummer, no buts."

"Excuse me," Vexen interrupted, "but don't we have more pressing matters to attend to?"

Everything after that quickly fell apart.

It happened too fast for a rational response to be made. One moment was peaceful, the next, a white blur. Sora felt himself being flung across the sandlot. He had the sensation of hitting the ground, but everything was hazy and quickly fading to black. Riku, however, was a bit quicker to react. He summoned his keyblade and back flipped away from whatever was attacking the group. The enemy stopped it's assault long enough for Riku to identify it. What he saw was familiar, it made him feel drawn to his enemy in a strange, unexplainable way. The crimson eyes, the flawless sparkling features, the faint feeling of Stephanie Meyer's writing style...

The memory of Demyx's words hit him like a tank shell. "_Mickey and Goofy are locked up in a basement, and Selphie disappeared... Oh yeah, and Goofy's turning into a vampire."_

"This is your excuse for a Twilight crossover?" Riku asked mockingly.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet." the author replied.

The heroes were surely doomed, because everyone knows that Stephanie Meyer vampires are like genetically enhanced ninjas on crack. But just as they prepared to be struck down, hope came to them from above. Literally. A helicopter suddenly flew over the sandlot and hovered above them while a hail of bullets held Goofy back. King Mickey leaped out, Keyblade in hand. "Don't worry fellas, I brought help!"

A rope was tossed out of the helicopter, and Barret soon came sliding down.

"Barret! We thought you were dead!" Yuffie exclaimed.

"You dumb ass crakas'," Barret said, "don't you know anything about Hollywood cliches? I'm the black guy, I can't die unless I sacrifice myself to save the rest of you sorry dumb asses! And I doubt that'll happen anytime soon."

"Ok, forget Sora, that guy is definitely our new drummer." Axel said

"But even with the King and Barret, theres no way we can beat a vampire!" said Sora, who was suddenly back on his feet in perfect condition. (His skull, when combined with the ungodly amounts of hair gel, was thick enough to repel direct gunfire from 12 meters away)

"Sora's right," Mickey said, "we can't win like this. The only power that could help us right now would be a ninja!"

"Uh...hello?" Yuffie said. She then grabbed her shuriken and leaped into the air to launch a secret ninja finishing move. "RAKURAI CYCLONE DOUBLE TRIPLE REVERSE VERSION SIX NO JUTSU!!!" And in a flash of lightning and general awesomeness, Goofy was knocked to the ground, lit on fire, and killed.

After everything had calmed down, Sora noticed that Kairi was missing.

* * *

The last thing that Kairi remembered, she was standing in the sandlot with the rest of her "friends", then she simply blacked out. She now awoke on a train that was currently passing by an ocean. Looking out the opposite window, she could see the large clock tower that loomed over Twilight Town.

"Hello Kairi..."

Kairi gasped in surprise as she suddenly saw a man sitting at the other end of the train car who was clearly not there before. He wore a long trench coat, and hid his eyes behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

"Kairi, the world that you are seeing is a lie..."

"Oh shit, not this Matrix crap again!"

"I'll cut to the chase," the man said. He reached into his coat and brought out two objects, "if you eat the blue cookie, your life will return to the way it was before. If you eat the green cookie, then I'll show you what this world is really made of..."

Kairi stood up and walked over to the man. She naturally took the blue cookie, because the last thing this story needed was a freaking sub-plot. Just as she finished eating it, the man gasped. "Crap! The green cookie was the make-your-life-return-to-the-way-it-was-before cookie!"

"Oh COME ON!!!" Kairi shouted just before she passed out again.

* * *

After 45 seconds of tedious searching, the heroes had given up on their search for Kairi. They were now led through the streets by a mysterious man. He wore a long cloak and and hood that hid his face (just like EVERY mysterious person in just about EVERY story ever written.) He led them to a secluded corner in the tram commons and tapped a brick on the wall. The wall magicaly opened revealing a passage way.

"This is as far as I can take you," the man said, "this passage will take you to Diagon Alley. Go into the basement of Quality Quidditch Supplies, you will know what to do when you get there."

"Ha! A Harry Potter reference!" Yuffie exclaimed, "You owe me 3,000 munny Barret!"

As the heroes stepped into the passage way, they could feel the final battle of their adventure approaching...

* * *

Kairi finally came to on the ground of a strange place. She stood up and looked around, but she couldn't identify the strange place she was in. Suddenly, her eyes found the man who gave her the cookie.

"Kairi..." he began, "you're in Wonderland..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

to be continued...


	11. The First Trial

I really don't think that this chapter is as funny as the others. I may consider rewriting it later if I can stop being lazy for long enough. Please tell me what you think.

**Chapter 11**

Having made their way into the basement which the mysterious man directed them to, the heroes were searching for their next clue.

"Hey I think I found something!" Sora said as he searched through a pile of junk.

"What is it?" Vexen asked.

"Look at this..." Sora reached into the pile of rubbish and pulled out a small object.

"Sora," Axel began, "That's a stapler."

"It's not just any stapler," Sora said, "It's an artifact from thousands of years ago. It's said that long ago, there were two kingdoms: The sacred land of Cyrodil, and Finland. They waged a massive war against each other because the king of Cyrodil stole the king of Finland's animal crackers. Cyrodil was losing the war, but one day the king found a scroll with seven magical seals on it. A man came to the castle and said he could unlock the secrets the scroll, and lead Cyrodil to victory. With the breaking of the first four seals, four evil horsemen rode into Finland from the highlands. The first horseman: Joe Jonas, brought with him a plague of cooties, which spread across both kingdoms. The second horseman: Miley Cyrus, brought famine and poverty to the land. The third: Soulja Boy, brought never-ending noises from Hell that tortured the people. And the fourth horseman: Joe Biden, opened yet another freaking Starbucks in Cyrodil.

"After the land was ravaged, the man broke the fifth seal, which summoned an evil beast from the sea. The beast had seven heads and ten horns, and upon it's heads were blasphemous names like 'Michael Eiesner' and 'Oprah'. Upon the beast, a chosen number was bestowed. And the number of the beast was 666,789,274,210,943,002.

"In the land of Finland, there was a woman who was about to give birth to a child who was to be called 'the chosen one' but the beast waited so that he could eat the child and end his destined rule. But then the sixth seal was broken, and Chuck Norris descended from the skies. He killed the beast, and the chosen one was born.

"When the seventh seal was broken, Mahatma Ghandi descended from the stars and challenged Chuck Norris. They battled each other on an alternate plane of existence in a mental showdown that was beyond human comprehension. The battle lasted for twelve years, and they both realized that they were equal in power. They decided to use their power for good, and with their combined wisdom, they created the first ninja."

Everyone in the room was silent, until they all universally responded "What the FUCK!?!?!?!?"

"Sora, I think you just tried to recreate the book of Revelation using figures from modern culture and failed miserably." Riku said.

"And what the hell does that have to do with the stapler!?" Axel asked.

"Yes!" Yuffie suddenly exclaimed from the corner she'd been previously searching.

"Did you find something?" Zexion asked.

"No, Sephiroth just added me on Facebook!" Yuffie said as she held up her iPhone.

"Oh! You totally have to add me!" Demyx said as he too whipped out his iPhone.

"Hold on, the author just sent me a PM!" Yuffie responded.

"Sweet! Me too!" Demyx said.

"**The author added you to his friend list!?" Mickey asked in disbelief.**

**"Duh, we're like, his two favorite characters." Yuffie said.**

**Suddenly, a wise oracle appeared to the heroes. After a cliche wise-oracle-scene, he opened a magic door for the group. They walked through it and appeared in a room that I'm not going to describe to you because I'm lazy and I just want to get this piece of crap finished. One of the evil bad guys wearing an evil mask was there.**

"My master has instructed me to give you a message," the evil man said evilly. He snapped his evil fingers and a door appeared at the other end of the room, "you may go to see my master, but first Sora must complete four deadly trials."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Wonderland**

"Ok," Kairi said as she looked at the man in front of her, "what's going to come after me first?"

"My guess would be those empty Dr. Pepper cans over there." the man said. Kairi looked to her left and sure enough, there were several abnormally large Dr. Pepper cans which were making growling sounds and slowly inching closer. "I should probably add..." the man said, "they won't actually kill you, they'll just get really close to you and vibrate at an extremely annoying frequency." Kairi let out a deep sigh before turning in the opposite direction and hauling ass out of there.

* * *

Sora walked through the door to face his first trial. He was approached by one of the evil masked men. "Hello Sora," the evil man said evilly, "for you're first trial, you must defeat me... in a game of checkers." The evil man gestured his evil hand towards an evil table, on which there was an evil checker board, and two evil chairs. Sora walked over and took a seat.

**10 seconds later**

Sora was on the floor crying in misery over his evil defeat in the evil game of checkers at the hand of the evil man.

The evil man laughed evilly before saying "YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

"Oh, screw you." Sora said before smashing his Keyblade into the evil dude's face. The man's evil mask flew off, and Sora gasped in shock.

"Comedian and actor Ray Ramono!?"

"Yes, it is I! Comedian and actor Ray Ramono!" Ray said evilly.

"But why? Why have you become evil?" Sora asked.

"Because I'm still pissed off that Everybody Loves Raymond didn't get another season!" Ray answered.

"Dude! You can only write a TV show for so long before you run out of ideas!" Sora said.

"Whatever," Ray responded, "now where was I... oh yeah. YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

"And yet, I'm passing." Sora said as he walked to the next door.

"Wait! YOU SHALL... Hey! I said YOU SHALL NO... eh, screw it."

**May Michael Jackson rest in peace.**


	12. In Soviet Russia, Fanfic Write You!

Yeah, you better be happy. You have no idea what it took for me to post this chapter. Apparently, my computer isn't good enough for this site anymore, so I had get on my parent's crappy computer, wait 15 minutes for it to boot up, wait 5 minutes to connect to the internet, wait another 8 minutes to get to the site and log in, another 5 minutes to re-connect after the connection dropped out, and 4 more minutes for the information request to go through. Now review the damn story so I'll be less grumpy.

_Last time, on All my Keyblades._

Namine: Roxas, I need to tell you somthing...

Roxas: I knew it! I knew you've been screwing around with Squall!

Namine: What!? I was just going to say that I'm going to the store for a few minutes!

Roxas: Oh...

Namine: But while were on the subject, I might as well mention that you're not the father.

**Chapter 12: In Soviet Russia, Fanfic Write You!**

"I wonder who I'll be going up against next..." Sora pondered as he walked into the next room.

"Oh, I'm gonna have to turn the language filter back on for this one." The author said.

Sora came face to face with his next challenger, who immediately spoke to him. "YOU WANNA KNOW WHO I AM MOTHER F-----?!?! I'LL TELL YOU WHO THE F--- I AM!!!" The man ripped off his mask and threw it to the ground. "I'M SAMUEL L. MOTHER F----- JACKSON!!"

"Oh crap..." Sora responded. "Alright, what do I have to do?"

"YOU ARE GOING TO STAND THERE WHILE I MOTHER F---IN YELL AT YOU!! YOU GOT THAT MOTHER F---ER?!?!?"

"That doesn't seem like much of challenge..."

"SHUT THE HELL UP MOTHER F---ER!!!!"

"Jesus man!!! Chill out!"

"CHILL OUT? CHILL OUT!?!?!?! YOU WANT ME TO MOTHER F---IN CHILL THE F--- OUT?!?!?"

"This is going to be a looong day." Sora said to himself.

* * *

Having just ripped apart an obnoxious fat purple cat out sheer rage and sacrificing it to Asmodeus the demon king, Kairi washed her hands in it's blood and prayed for passage from this horrible forsaken land in which she was trapped.

Unfortunately, she didn't think to sacrifice it to the author, which might have actually gotten her somewhere.

"You know, I kind of frown on satanic practices." the author said.

"Dammit, you tell me how to get out of here or I swear that I will summon the fires of Hell ,smash the fourth wall into oblivion, shatter the bond you hold as the author, and _kill. you. to. __**death**__!"_

Suddenly frightened by his own writing, the author decided to give Kairi a way out. "Alright, to leave this place, you must first journey into the highlands and find three Keys of Wisdom, so that you can unlock the gate to the Holy Realm where you will be given the Emerald Sword, which will give you the power to defeat the evil king Akron."

"I have a genuine problem, and you're making references to an obscure European power metal song!?"

"Pretty much." The author said.

"Fine then, you will taste my wrath!!!" But then, a man in a suit approached Kairi (who was clearly insane by this point)

"Excuse me," the man said, "but are you Kairi?"

"...yes..." she answered.

"I'm here to tell you that congress has just passed a bill granting you a 90 trillion dollar bailout."

"...what?"

"It's part of a new economic recovery package."

"So I have $90 trillion now?"

"No, you don't actually get $90 trillion," the guy said, "you get approximately $90 trillion worth in bonds that are actually stocks that are part of some deal between a finance company and Wal-Mart. But, of course, nobody knows where the hell the money is, so the stocks technically stopped existing 17 years ago, aside from about $14 worth that are still on record. Those dollars were invested in an alpaca farm in Russia."

"...so I own an alpaca farm now?" Kairi asked.

"No. You have to remember: this is Russia were talking about, so technically, an alpaca farm owns you." the man handed Kairi a shovel, "You'll need this, you start Thursday."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in a place where things are slightly more normal**

Waiting for Sora to complete his trials was boring, so the rest of the heroes decided to pass the time by joining the audience in the filming of today's episode of Oprah Winfrey. The music started playing and Oprah came flying out on her jetpack. "Guess what?" she said excitedly, "everyone here today gets a free government bailout!!! You get a government bailout! And you get a government bailout! And you get a government bailout! Everyone gets a government bailout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!1!1!!11!!one1!!!!!!"

* * *

**Also Meanwhile, in the room of trials**

"YOU LIKE THAT MOTHER F---ER? YOU LIKE BEING F---ING YELLED AT?"

"As much as I'm enjoying this," Sora said, "I really need to move on to the next room."

"FINE!! GO ON MOTHER F---ER!! I DONT GIVE A F---!!!...

...

...

"F--K!!!!!!"

* * *

**And now, a public service announcement**

Demyx: Hi, I'm Demyx.

Yuffie: And I'm Yuffie.

Author: And I'm the Author

Demyx: You probably know us from the Kingdom Hearts fanfiction "Sora and Pals go on a Magical Adventure."

Yuffie: But today, we're here to talk to you about something serious: The Economy

Author: Your congresshuman is in Washington every day trying to work with other congresshumans to re-stabilize the market. But the issues with the economy aren't because of idiot politicians.

Demyx: We wanted to give you an example of how the economy works, so I invested several thousand munny in an international trade corporation. Would you mind telling us how that money has grown and matured?

Author: Well Demyx, you see, your munny no longer exists.

Demyx: ...what?

Author: Of the 14,000 munny you invested, the international trade corporation sent 400 to it's parent company, which makes blimps. That company used the 400 munny to switch to cheaper materials and manufacturing processes, which resulted in a blimp bursting into flames and crashing into a daycare center. Your munny went down in flames along with it.

Demyx: But what about the other 13,600 munny?

Author: Hell if I know.

Demyx: What do you mean!?

Author: Exactly that! It's gone. Vanished. Poof...gone.

Yuffie: What about the 8,000 I invested in Taco Bell?

Author: You're stocks were auctioned off to a small flea market in Texas. Eventualy, most of your investment was merged with a small coffee plantation in Paraguay and grew to be worth $90 trillion. But that same plantation is going under right about...now.

Yuffie: ...So?

Author: So thirty seconds ago, you had $90 trillion. Now, you owe $7 quadrillion to a pet store in Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

Yuffie: ...Ok...

Author: Well, that's all the time we have. I hope we helped you to understand the economy and how it works.

Demyx: The lesson today is: Your money is worthless, theres nothing you can do, we're all fucked.


	13. Chapter 47

Most of the time it took to write this chapter took place between 12 a.m. and 3 a.m.. Oddly, I can't concentrate at all unless my TV is on, and throughout this chapter's writing process, I had to endure 14 Girls Gone Wild commercials, which obviously had a negative impact on my IQ. I hope that it doesn't show in my writing. This chapter's only real purpose is to serve as a bridge into the next chapter, which, sadly, will also be the last. But it will be freaking epic.

Chapter 13: Chapter 47

The group of heroes, still waiting for Sora, decided to take this time to reflect on the story so far, because the author needed a filler chapter.

"I have to say," Demyx began, "I honestly enjoyed seeing Oprah live in the last chapter."

"Me to," Miguel said, "aside from the fact that because of our free government bailouts, we're going to be in debt until the Second Coming of Christ."

"Holy Crap! I forgot you were here Miguel!" Yuffie said, referring to the fact that Miguel Von Pierre Qui Pon XXVII—The author's original character--hasn't had any lines since chapter 7.

"Yes, it appears the author has written in too many characters into the story and now he can't even mention them all in one chapter." Miguel said.

While we're on the topic, let's recap: Kairi has been sent off to an alpaca farm in Russia, and Sora is still trying to complete his deadly trials. Yuffie, Barret, Riku, Mickey, Demyx, Vexen, Zexion, Marluxia, Axel, Larxene, Xigbar, and Miguel make up the rest of the team. Tidus and Waka are dead. Goofy was turned into a vampire and later killed. Selphie is actually an evil plot device who isn't really in the story anymore. I think that's everyone.

"I just don't understand how Stephanie Meyer does it..." the author said, "I mean, at the end of Breaking Dawn, there were, like, 87 vampires, 36 werewolves, 8 half-breeds, 17 humans, 4 extra-terrestrials, a sea lion, and that's not even counting the antagonists!!!...But I really liked Breaking Dawn...it was a good book...but Harry Potter is still better..."

"Wow, you really know how to ramble on about nothing in particular to increase your word count." Marluxia commented.

"It's a talent I take pride in." The author responded.

"I also thought that the 'public service announcement' about the economy was just an excuse to write half the last chapter in script format."

"You couldn't be more correct." the author said.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the hall of the trials**

Sora stood before an evil woman. Like the other evil guys she wore an evil mask, but as Sora entered the room, she reached up to remove the mask, revealing the face of...

...Sonia Sotomayor.

"Holy crap!!!" Sora exclaimed, "Quick! Someone tell Rush Limbaugh! Get Bill O'Rilley! Stop the author before he tries to write more political humor!"

"Wow, I'm already out of jokes for this one," the author said as a door appeared on the other side of the room, "just go. I want to get this over with."

"Uh, thanks I guess." Sora said before walking through the door into the next room. He now stood before the presenter of his final challenge. The man in front of him also wore an evil mask, but Sora could still tell that it was Patrick the starfish.

Then...uh....uhhhhh...

"What's wrong?" Sora asked, "has our infallible author finally run out of ideas?"

"No! I know what you're final challenge shall be." the author answered., "You will have to fight...the VALTAXITOR."

"Ok...what's a valtaxitor?" Sora asked.

"It's a creature that's half werewolf, half dragon, and half manbearpig." the author responded.

"Ok...what's a manbearpig?"

"It's a creature that's half man, half bear, and half pig."

"So this thing I have to fight is basically half werewolf, half dragon, half man, half bear, and half pig?"

"Pretty much."

"Ok, that makes sense." Sora said.

* * *

**Meanwhile, somewhere in Siberia**

Kairi wandered aimlessly through a dark forest, trying hopelessly to escape this evil plot from Hell. As she stumbled through the trees, she came across a small green lizard. In her growing insanity, she dropped to her knees and talked to it.

"Please, you have to help me," she said, "someone is following me, I think it's a North Korean agent. The liberty of an entire nation could be at stake here." Kairi risked a glance behind her at the small figure that had been following her for several hours.

Surprisingly, the lizard spoke back, and had a British accent. "Oh, that's not a North Korean agent, that's the money you could be saving with Gei..." Before the lizard could finish, Kairi stepped on him, because the only thing that could make her life worse right now would be getting screwed over on her auto insurance.

* * *

After a few long hours, Sora finally came stumbling into the room where the rest of the heroes were waiting.

"Well it's about damn time!" Larxene shouted angrily.

"Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get here?!?!" Sora retorted. "I just had to fight a half werewolf, half dragon, half man, half bear, half pig monster."

"That makes sense." Yuffie said.

"Pft...So what?" Larxene said to Sora.

"The thing ate my pants!!!" Sora shouted.

"I knew there was something different about him." Zexion commented.

"Well if we're all done goofing around, perhaps we should accomplish what we came here for." Vexen said, gesturing to a large door that apparently led to the lair of the mysterious master.

Sora stepped up to the door and took a deep breath to help mentally prepare himself. He knew that their final battle lied on the other side of that door. The evil man responsible for all of the cookies in the universe was there. It was time to reclaim the worlds from darkness. Sora pushed the heavy door open and the group stepped into the room beyond.

The room they found themselves in had a fireplace at the far end. In front of it was a high backed chair that was facing the fire. "I've been waiting for you for a long time Sora," said the man sitting in the chair, "it is time to meet your demise..."

Who is that evil man responsible for this maddness? Well you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out. DEAL WITH IT


	14. The Chapter to end all Chapters

I've realized that I've come this far without thanking my two greatest sources of inspiration. First, I'd like to thank Dave Barry, a humor writer who is definitely one of the funniest people in this solar system, and a big influence on my sense of humor.

Second, I need to thank the fanfiction "Kingdom Hearts: the Short and Honest Version" by NCHammer326. It is the greatest Kingdom Hearts parody ever writen, easilly 12 times funnier than this piece of crap. A lot of my forth-wall-breakage ideas were inspired by this story. When you're done here, go read it if you haven't.

As you read this chapter, you need to listen to "Eve of Seduction" by Symphony X. It greatly increases the overall epicness of this very epic chapter. I put a link down below if you actually want to go listen.

www . youtube . com/watch?v=WamoXQ1Wigk

* * *

**Chapter 14: The Chapter to End all Chapters**

The tall chair that faced the fire began to turn. It rotated until the man that sat in it faced our heroes, and at last, they laid their eyes on the evil man who took their cookies. Upon seeing him, they were filled with feelings of shock and betrayal.

"No way!" Riku exclaimed, "It's the author!"

"Yes! It is I, the author!" the author said as he stood up from his chair, "are you surprised?"

"The author is the main antagonist of his own story..." Zexion said to himself, "I really should have seen that coming."

"Wow, an author inserting himself into his own fanfiction." Sora said, "You know, that's REALLY FUCKING ORIGINAL!!!!!"

The author laughed menacingly at his own characters. (who really belonged to Square Enix/Disney, but he was once again harnessing the power of the disclaimer.) "Alright, if you want to reclaim all of the cookies in the universe from me, you have only one choice. You must defeat me in a ROKK OFF." The author held his hand up high in the air as fire and lightning and pure epicness began to swirl around him. The entire roof was ripped off of the building they were in as a huge storm began to form above them. An opening formed in the dark clouds above, and the author's Ibanez ACX-120 electric guitar descended from the sky and came into his hand. A large crack formed in the earth, so deep it led strait down to Hell. A band of hot, bikini-clad demon chicks rose up through it with their drums and guitars of metalness and prepared to rock with absolute hardness.

"Never before have we been more royally screwed." Marluxia pointed out.

"What are we going to do?!" Demyx said as panic began to set in.

"We are going to rock." Everyone gasped at the voice from behind them and turned around.! A bright light shone through the door and Lexaeus walked through.

"Holy crap! Lexaeus is back from the dead!" Axel exclaimed.

"Yes I have returned," Lexaeus said, "our time has come friends. We must get the band back together and rock as hard as we can, or the universe may be without cookies forevermore." He magically pulled his drum kit out of nowhere as Demyx and Axel summoned their sitar/guitar (Larxene was on vocals and Xigbar played bass, just in case you were wondering).

And thus, the rock off for the ages was begun.

As the wailing guitar solos and wild drum fills escalated, the very fabric of spacetime was distorted and warped. The epicness that was radiating off of both bands was increasing to a point that the universe could not even hold it all. Reality itself was torn. Mighty dragons and powerful armies were summoned to do battle amongst the rock off that was taking place, and it started raining chocolate milk, because there's nothing in the world that's more hardcore than chocolate milk.

Flames shot across the sky and lighting shot out of the Author's and Demyx's fingertips as they tried to shred each other into submission. Huge volcanoes erupted from the earth and the ground trembled. Just when things couldn't get more epic, it started hailing chicken nuggets along with the chocolate milk rain, and the final battle of vampires vs. werewolves vs. alien vs. predator vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. pirates vs. ninjas vs. Metallica vs. Megadeth vs. Nintendo vs. Sega vs. America vs. France vs. the Empire vs. Rebel Alliance vs. angels vs. demons vs. Guitar Hero vs. Rockband vs. Biggie Smalls vs. Tupac vs. Buzz Lightyear vs. Michal Moore vs. Eddie Van Halen vs. Bilbo Baggins vs. Fred Weasley vs. the X-men vs. the entire cast of _My Name is Earl_vs. the letter R vs. Mr. T vs. Taylor Swift vs. Stewie Griffin vs. John McCain vs. Dale Earnheart Jr. vs. the Aflac duck began.

The battle raged for 14 hours before both bands realized they were equall in power. It seemed that it would continue until the end of time, until Axel accidentally broke a guitar string, sending the whole band into disharmony and causing an epic fail. The Author laughed at their defeat.

"Ha! You fools never stood a chance! Now the universe shall never have any cookies ever again!"

"We haven't lost yet!" Yuffie said as she stepped forward.

"What are you talking about?" the Author asked.

"Your forgetting one important thing: I'm a ninja!"

"...oh crap..." The Author clearly missed this fatal flaw in his master plan. Ninjas (Who aren't from Naruto) are the third most powerfull force in this universe, only being outmatched by Mahatma Gandhi and Chuck Noris. A true ninja possesses a power level that is way, way, way over nine-thousand. The author's power level was closer to 384.

"Yes! and because I'm a ninja," Yuffie began, "I can easily see your greatest weaknesses just by looking at you." She turned around to face Sora, "I'm sorry Sora, but this is the only way to save the universe." Yuffie reached into her pocket and pulled out a dark blade of evilness, which she promptly used to stab Sora in the heart.

"What the hell Yuffie!?!?" Riku shouted.

"Just wait a sec," Yuffie responded. Sora disappeared in a puff of darkness, and few seconds later, Roxas appeared in his place.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU STAB SORA?!?!?!" Roxas yelled.

"Because, we need you and Axel to stop the Author." Yuffie answered.

"How will having me and Roxas defeat the Author?" Axel asked.

"Because together, you can use the only weapon that can hurt him."

"What do you mean?..." Roxas stopped as he began to see what she was talking about, "Oh no, you don't mean..."

"Come on Roxas, we have to stop him!" Axel said as he began to take off his cloak..

"You wouldn't dare!" the author shouted. "How dare you use yaoi against me! I would never write a yaoi fic! Although I kinda sorta am right now. AAAAHHHHG!!! IT BURRRRRRNNNNSS!!!!!!!!111!1!1!!!1"

Axel began to [TEXT MISSING] as Roxas [TEXT MISSING] before they both [TEXT MISSING] and then [TEXT MISSING] and the music was going 'BOW CHIKA WAKA CHIKA WAKA CHIKA WAKA' as they [TEXT MISSING] and Marluxia got out his video camera when they [TEXT MISSING] before [TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING][TEXT MISSING].

The Author fell to the ground in agony as Axel and Roxas continued to harness the power of AkuRoku. He took one final breath before finally fading into nothingness.

"Axel, he's dead now. We can stop." Roxas said.

"Are you sure?" Axel asked, "I mean, what if he comes back? Or what if..."

"Dammit Axel! Put your freaking pants back on!"

"I just don't get it," Vexen said, "why would the author write his own defeat?"

"Well, I'm not actually dead," the author said, "you only killed my physical manifestation on your side of the fourth wall."

"So you're saying that we can't beat you and we lost anyway?" Zexion asked.

"Oh, of course not, you win. I'll put the cookies back."

"So...the story's over?" Riku asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." the Author answered.

"Well can we at least have a short epilogue so we know what happens to us after the story." Sora asked.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

After the battle, Riku and Roxas returned from the Destiny Islands, where they sacrificed a duck to Xytor, god of all that is alphabetically sorted, in order to bring Sora back. Sora and Roxas were made whole again, and then Sora and Riku smoked Poupu leaves and watched the pink unicorns play quiditch.

The Organization returned to their new headquarters in New Zealand, except for Demyx, who joined the Author's band and went on tour for a year before returning to the Org to get "The Band that Never Was" back together.

Miguel also joined the author's band as the lead singer. He realized that he didn't care about his quest to avenge his father's death.

Barrett returned to Midgar, where he and his tree hugging friends continued to commit acts of terrorism against the friendly electric power company that hasn't done anything except making everyones' lives better and easier.

Mickey returned to his castle. Goofy's death either went unnoticed, or nobody cared.

Yuffie traveled with the author's band and became their first groupie. Eventually, she and the Author fell in love and ran off to Vegas to get married. They spent the rest of their lives living happily in a quaint little cottage overlooking the Oregon coast and had two beautiful children named Nathaniel and Superfly.

* * *

"Yeah, that was pretty good." Riku said.

"But what ever happened to Kairi?" Yuffie asked.

**Meanwhile, somwhere in the Artic Circle.**

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Kairi screamed.

And they all lived happilly ever after.

"OH, FUCK YOU!!!" Kairi shouted at the author.

**t3h 3ndz**

* * *

Well? Did you like it? I expect a lot of reviews for this incredibly awsome chapter.

I thought that I might as well tell you what I may be writing next. I've sort of started on a Twilight fic called "Renesemee's Quest" that's about as retarded as this story was. I also got the idea to write a story about "The Band that Never Was". Hopefully I'll get off my lazy ass eventually and actually write somthing.

And with that, I must say goodbye my dear readers. If you've left a review, then I LIKE TOTALY LUV U OMG SQUEEEEEE!!!!11!!!11!!1one1!!!! If you havent reviewed, then you better review this chapter or I'll hate you forever.

* * *

"Don't you think that some of you're readers will be offended by that ending?" Zexion asked. "I mean, alot of your fangirls are hardcore AkuRoku fans, and you kind of flamed yaoi in general in that final battle."

"Hey! The story's over!" the Author said, "I've even typed the final author's note! Why are you still talking?!"

"Hey man, I'm just making sure you don't..."

"Whatever! I'm done typing! This chapter's going up NOW!"


End file.
